The Doctor Is...In
“Parenthood”
This is another of those offerings of free psychiatric advice you didn’t request and don’t have to take. But I’ve been doing this for a long time, and I have lots of advice, which does not depend on a personal evaluation. If you’re curious to know what it’s like to be downwind of me, you can google me at Dr Alfred G Jonas MD. There aren’t a lot of reviews there, but at least you’ll know what it’s like for other people who choose me and work with me.
“Parenthood” was not, in my opinion, a particularly good TV “dramedy.” I didn’t watch much of it, and I only watched as much as I did because I have a mad crush on Lauren Graham. She’s the reason I watched all of the “Gilmore Girls,” which was an adequately decent show — cute, but largely unimportant — but I didn’t really care about that. The fact is that Lauren Graham was in a long term relationship with Peter Krause, with whom I was very familiar from “Six Feet Under.” I generally think of that show as the best TV drama ever made. I read somewhere that Krause and Graham finally broke up last year, after about 10 years together, but since I’ll never meet her, and she’s too young for me, it doesn’t matter. Just curious facts to know. And it’s possible they’ve reunited.
Anyway, there are a number of things people should know about parenthood. There are books about it, and some are written by very well-known doctors. My reflex is to consider these someone’s opinion, but I guess the same thing could be said about my thoughts.
I have a number of speeches I give patients. One is that when you’re young — in your teens, 20s, or maybe even early 30s — it’s all about you. Once you form a relationship with someone else, it’s not all about you any more. You have to take into consideration someone else, and discuss, negotiate, or compromise. Sometimes, one person defers to the other about something, and the person who gets deferred to has to be grateful. Once you have children, nothing is about you any more. It’s all about the children. And in its way, it will stay that way until you die.
Another speech I give some patients, who are sometimes parents, but more often suffering from having had parents, is that parents have four jobs. Their first job, from the instant their children are born, or even starting before that, is to provide and support. Fetuses, newborn children, and infants, can’t do anything for themselves. They can’t find food and eat by themselves, they can’t clean themselves, they can’t go anywhere without being taken by someone, and they have a very limited ability to communicate. They would perish in a hurry without parents to do all that for them. The second job parents have is to instruct. “Hold my hand while we look both ways and cross the street,” “buckle your seatbelt,” “do your homework,” etc. The third job, which they started doing before they had children, and will continue to do, although now it has new implications, is set an example. And the last job, which is the hardest, is to let go. You have to let your children live their own lives their own ways, very possibly not follow in your footsteps, make mistakes, make mistakes you wouldn’t make, and make mistakes you already made. But they will learn a lot more from making mistakes themselves than they will from having you tell them what to do and what not to do. And anyway, maybe what would seem like a mistake to you won’t be a mistake to them. If they ask for your advice or input, you have to know how to give it. If they don’t, butt out. They need a sense of autonomy, which will turn into responsibility, which will turn into mastery, and self-confidence, and pride. You want that for your offspring, and they’ll want it for themselves. Yes, of course they’ll feel lost at times, and take risks, and maybe come to feel they’ve made mistakes. This is good for them.
Another of my speeches is that it is the job of children, from as soon as they’re old enough to start doing their job, to become capable and independent, including independent of their parents. The famous intervals like this are the “terrible twos,” when they say no to everything, thus separating themselves from their parents, and adolescence, with its rebelliousness. When these things don’t happen, there’s a problem. It is the job of parents to permit, and even encourage, their children to become capable and independent, including independent of them. (Are there possible risks? Of course. But the risk of overprotecting is worse.) And if anyone doesn’t have any other way to think about this, they should realize that if everyone gets their wish, the offspring are generally guaranteed to outlive their parents. If the offspring are not capable and independent, including independent of their parents, when their parents get old and die, the offspring are in deep trouble.
So be good parents, and have great offspring. Everyone’s future, including theirs, depends on it.